The First Cut
It's been ten years since I've last seen Cooper. But even now, when I come home the thought finds its way into my head, "Will I bump into him this time?"
For a decade I've made my way back at least once a year, and not a sign, not even a rumor. I tried 411 once, no listing. None of my friends has seen him in years. Still, I catch myself wondering as I'm getting ready to go out, "What would he say if he saw me now?"
I met Cooper when I was 23 years old outside a bar. It was a hot, crowded place. I went out for some fresh air. There, leaning on a wall, was a handsome blond boy with dimples. I took out my Marlboro Lights, carefully pushing my Zippo down into my pocket.
"Got a light?"
Fire revealing a beautiful face. His hand protecting the flame. A touch that sent currents down my spine. Who is this guy?
Until that moment, no one had lasted more than a couple of nights. My interest evaporating along with the sweat. But Cooper was different, quiet, introspective, miles away even when wrapping his legs around my waist. An intriguing combination of arrogance and insecurity that drew me in like a moth to, well, a flame.
Spellbound.
We spent a total of five nights together. The more sex we had, the more I wanted to see him naked.
It does exist.
Then he got the flu. I bought DayQuil and Tylenol, made sure he was comfortable. At one point I woke him up from a cough-filled dream, handed him two orange pills and a glass of water.
"I thought you'd left," he said, his eyes still adjusting to the light.
"Nope, still here."
I saw him one more time after that, right before I left. I could tell he was done. Whatever curiosity I had piqued in him had been satisfied. A mixture of sadness, and the gleeful knowledge that maybe, just maybe, there is such a thing as liking someone after sunrise.
Last night, just when I thought I'd never see him again, there he was, different bar, same smile.
"You haven't changed a bit," he said as he examined my body, my face.
He wasn't as good looking as I remembered, or maybe time had left its mark. We exchanged words but didn't really talk. I never told him how much I've thought of him. Couldn't admit that his face, although blurred, still appeared in my mind whenever I closed my eyes. Would never tell him that even today I would gladly go buy him cold medicine if he ever fell ill. And yes, I'd still be there when he woke up.
I left the bar and got into my car. As I started driving, I turned on the radio. Cheryl Crowe's The First Cut is the Deepest.
funny, how the radio provides, ain't it?
Posted by: demetrius | August 07, 2005 at 07:15 PM
It's funny how some people always find their ways into our minds. And yes, our memory is always sweeter to them than time, which is a shame...!
Posted by: L | August 07, 2005 at 07:36 PM
hey ethan,
ever see a handsome man in front of a restaurant on eigth avenue:
salt&pepper hair, sexy/muscular bod in a simple white crew neck t-sirt and a pair of worn-in jeans, smoking a "lucky strike"..?
i did, for ten years too... and i dont think i will ever get him out of my mind either...
two entries in one day, thanks for making my weekend complete and bringing back memories of my own !
Posted by: clark | August 07, 2005 at 07:40 PM
Hey Ethan, I think you are right: it's about curiosity. I met a guy who would never date someone twice. His spell lasted for about five years. Until I managed to get him to bed again. Then the spell was broken. Maybe worth an entry, too. Great post, thanx!
Posted by: JanBerlin | August 08, 2005 at 08:06 AM
OH MY GOD THAT IS THE SADDEST SONG EVER.
Posted by: Toby | August 08, 2005 at 08:39 AM
The first cut IS the deepest. (sigh).
Posted by: Brechi | August 08, 2005 at 09:07 AM
I know, it is isn't it. When the song came up on the radio I had to smile. Not a big believer but that's like a wink from God.
Posted by: eth | August 08, 2005 at 09:28 AM
Yes, the first cut is the deepest! After my ex and I ended..that song held a lot of meaning for me.. What a great entry Ethan! Damn you and your perfectly beautiful entries! One day, I will be as good a writer as you! Good work!
Posted by: Roy | August 08, 2005 at 11:32 AM
You're sweet, hardly, but thanks :)
Posted by: ethan | August 08, 2005 at 02:49 PM
No really....you are!
Posted by: Roy | August 08, 2005 at 02:56 PM
hmmmmmmmmmm ... I never thought anyone could hurt me as much as the first(Patrick)and then as you get older love changes it becomes more real and you begin to see a life of possibilities with someone. You lose your self in that person and your only thoughts become making them happy and praying each day that they love you as much as you love them. That they know if they ever left you it would kill you. Their very touch or sound of their voice sends euphoric feelings of finally finding the one man in this world you can be happy with. Then they leave you broken, cut, scourged. I never thought anyone could replace Patricks face in my mind ... Then there was Marko. What is it they say ... "The third time is the Charm." Apparently the bad luck charm. I've never been more utterly hurt in my life and yet even today I would do anything for that man. Anything at all he ever asked. The people we love always have this power over us. Sometimes you fall in love instantly. I know I have. The way you know if that love is real or not is when they are gone if it's still there no matter how much they hurt you.
Posted by: Chad Hunt | August 08, 2005 at 07:03 PM
dear ethan,
as much as i loves to read your stories, i tink i am enjoying reading mr hunts comments just as much..!
(are you guys the same person by any chance ?!)
Posted by: clark | August 09, 2005 at 06:15 AM
All I can say to that Clark is if I had an ass like the one pictured on the main page of this blog I wouldn't need a bf and I would stay home all day playing with it, and learning yoga so I could lick it myself and plow myself with my own cock. Alas, God created the whole universe and all I got was this lousy huge dick! A cruel joke when I'm such an ass man. At least it affords me finding boys with Hot asses who like sticking things in it since they can't themselves. And what a shame to think Ethan is a top. I mean really thats like me being a bottom it doesn't make sense. All that beautiful ass going to waste. It just breaks my heart that something so beautiful is so rarely appreciated. LOL
Posted by: Chad Hunt | August 09, 2005 at 10:51 AM
*gasps while reading Chad's last response*
well! who said there's no such thing as an honest gay man? :-)
Posted by: Derrick | August 10, 2005 at 12:35 AM
oh, speakin of the first cut being the deepest, my "first" *sigh* mentally and emotionally enslaved me so much that the 2 guys i dated after him had the same name as he *guilty blush* but then i told myself it was done. i couldn't be that guy that spends 30 years pining over a guy. but then i run into him in the mall and it's like, "god, you're still amazing..." it's always so interesting how you can be affected by other people that way. or the fact that while we think this way of these boys, we never stop to think that somewhere maybe there's a boy who thinks and feels this same way about us. *shrugs*
Posted by: Derrick | August 10, 2005 at 12:39 AM
Ain't closure a b1tch sometimes.
Posted by: Cody | August 11, 2005 at 10:41 AM