What Would Jesus Drink?

Got an e-mail from Toby yesterday. A challenge.

“If you write an entry where you don't mention looks, aesthetics or vanity even once, I will write an entry on any topic you choose. Deal?”

I smile. Toby apparently thinks I’m shallow.

“Sure,” I answered. “But you have to post yours within 24 hours.”

An electronic shake of hands.

“What’s my topic?” he asks.

“You get to read about it in my entry.”

_______________________________________________

“Good morning. How can I help you?”

“I’ll have a regular coffee please.”
“What size?”
“Medium.”
“Grande?”
“Mee-Dee-Oom,” I repeat, slowly emphasizing each syllable, not because I don’t get what she was asking, but because the company she works for irks me no end, nothing but pure corporate greed. It’s not enough they charge five dollars for a cup of coffee that costs ten cents to make, now I have to memorize their shameless marketing scheme when I order it.

She seemed offended, but I couldn't care less. Last time I checked, “grande” meant big. If I wanted a large cup, I’d ask for it.

As I’m standing there waiting for my order, a woman in pretentious clothes comes bouncing in with way too much energy for a weekday morning.

“Hi, I’ll have a tall, non-fat mocha, no whip please.”

I want to take my hot cup of black coffee no lid, and pour it down her stupid pants. The woman behind the counter gives me a look, her eyes saying, See? not everyone’s an ass.

Tall? What the fuck? Since when is small tall? I've seen more restraint on Manhunt.

And it’s not just Starbucks. Airlines euphemistically sell economy class tickets as “coach.” Small pizzas are unabashedly called “personal” and sushi restaurants offer a “deluxe” meal for adding three more pieces of raw fish that are so small you have to burp to find out what they taste like.

Is it too much to ask to call small, “small,” large, “large” and medium, God forbid, “medium?”

But since Starbucks sees no problem lying to my face, why should I? I look at the stupid woman behind the counter.

“Thank you,” I say with the fakest smile I can muster, “it’s been a real pleasure.”

Hey Toby,
Here’s yours: “Why New York is so much better than D.C.?”
If you’ve ever read his blog, you’ll know why this is giving me so much pleasure right now.

Comments

[Peter]

ethan, it's called marketing and yes it's annoying. it's all around. Would you do business with a bank that had the motto "Higher Fees". Probably not, but "higher standards" might fool you even if you have to stand in line long enough to drink a scalding hot venti. The one that gets me is "we treat you like family". I always want to ask the proprietor if he owes child support, cheats on his wife or has put his mother in a nursing home. Coke would not sell if they sang it makes you fat, gives you gas, rots your teeth, gives you zits.

[Sidney]

This post was a much welcome respite from the others. I hate you for being able to date mostly male models and porn stars. It's nice to know you get attitude from coffee consultants, just like the rest of us normal folk.

[Senhor Made In Brazil]

Sorry but this is one of your best moments... I guess you work very well under pressure. You think Grande is bad? Then how about Venti? I guess that is why you don't see Starbucks in Brazil... This whole size thing would never work there.

[Michael]

If this means we are going to get less about your gorgeous boyfriend and how your bodies just fit together, I'm gonna be so pissed.

[Mikey]

You know, "when you're at The Olive Garden, you're family." Which is nice for me, because when I'm with family, they would never charge me for my dinner.

[Stefan]

You shouldn't be so snippy with counter workers, Ethan! How Star Jones of you! ;-)

[James]

I love it when bloggers snipe at each other. I say we up the ante. A wrestling match between Ethan and Toby. Imagine the money we can make just on the dvd sales alone. :-) Because I'm a Don King wannabe (yeah I know we all gay here, but come one. You have to know Don King...smile) I will sell this thing like there is no tomorrow. :-) Ethan? Toby? Want to make a cranky queen rich and happy :-)

peace
james

[Derrick]

haha awww...

well you've gotta admit, Ethan. you've got ALOT of aesthetic talk on here. not that i'm complaining or anything. :-)

and i hate Starbucks anyways. I've actually NEVER bought anything there. same with places like Au Bon Pain or Panera Bread. i just can't see the point in paying $5 for cup of tea just because the other trendazoids think it's worth it in exchange for looking "with it".

altho, i have to admit that i love me some Better Burger on 8th Ave! and it's RIGHT on the way back from Bar G! so it's like, i'm drunk and i see food and there goes my $30 bux on a turkey burger and some fries. i just can't win.

[Tempest]

Hmmm. Does commenting on her "pretentious clothes" & "stupid pants" fit under aesthetic, as in not aesthetically pleasing?

Technicality I know but.......

[Kim]

Well, Since I've never actually been in a Star-Bucks. I can honestly say that I think it's what is wrong with America. If I'm with someone who has to get a coffee from there and it's 100 degress outside, I will wait in the heat before stepping into that place. Cool air or not.
So the challenge has been made. But I think that part of the reason for this "Blog" thing is to write about the things in your life ! Ethan's life is about men and more men and Toby's..........................well. So shallow, maybe?
It's hard in New York where every turn you make there's another beauty. So you get used to seeing them all around you. So what do you do?
You can't write about what you don't see. Although I love your writing Ethan and I know you can do different things, but you have to remeber the little people too ! Love ya..........HRH♦P.K.

[RED]

The proper term for someone who serves coffee and espresso is barista. Generally I go to Starbucks for thier fattening sweets. Toffee bars are awesome. Then I'll take my snack down the street to the local family-owned coffee shop, order my drink, and relax with the locals. All the breeders and college kids and alterna-punks hang out at the starbucks.

[Michael]

I think you failed the test by posting a link about Manhunt.

Michael

[dapper]

one of my pet peeves is people who think talking about the sizes at starbucks is original.

[GUY]

Ewww. Fuck Starbucks! They are like the WalMart of coffee shops. Support your local independent coffee shops that Starbucks are runnin' outta town!

[Michelangelo]

I fully agree...I get my coffee fix at Cuppa Cuppa on East 4th street across the street from my theater. Long live the independents.

[sarah]

"Sorry but this is one of your best moments... I guess you work very well under pressure. You think Grande is bad? Then how about Venti? I guess that is why you don't see Starbucks in Brazil... This whole size thing would never work there.
"

uhh... how about the fact that "venti" means "twenty" and a venti sized drink is in fact... *gasp* 20 ounces!!

[Mark]

To compare Starbucks to Walmart is ridiculous. Starbucks is one of the leading private contributers to the DNC in the country. They are revolutionary in giving their part-time workers full-time benefits. Wal-mart is the biggest private contributer to the RNC and has catagorically fucked their workers out of many benefits and won't allow them to unionize. It's important to know who your friends are and where you send your dollars.

[whos that?]

Dear one,

What a waste this challenge. Not from your part, though. Another good blog entry from you, but that's no news.

NOW.... listening to stupid challenges ideas from some bitter queen like, where again, DC?? It amazes me people who can't have or experience the good life others lead, have to either make themselves believe that they are fabricated or send bad vibe! What's wrong with them? When does one man's dream life, becames the nightmare of another?

[prenda]

You Americans are as shallow as a bird bath in a drought.

[chad]

I drink tea. Does that make me unamerican?

[Patrick]

You really are shallow!

[Rob]

Remember when you wrote about first-date tests? If you were mean to a counterperson over something she had no control over -- well, you'd have just flunked a big one.

[Ryan]

Way back in the day, Starbucks had an even smaller size, called the "Short" that they got rid of. They never changed the name of the Tall though, when it became the new smallest size.