"Hi My Name is Ethan."
"Hi Ethan."
"It's been 148 days since my last post."
Yeah, sorry about that. I'm sure you're thinking, what the hell happened?
It's been a long five months, let's see if I can get you up to speed. In the movies they'd call this a music montage:
Fade in. Fast edits of me at a bar. Drinks, boys, smiles, dancing. Then the beginning of a dramatic score. I can feel someone burning a hole in the back of my head. I turn. Seth. Our eyes lock. This is the first time I see him since he found out I slept with his boyfriend, now ex. For a moment the music stops, nothing but silence and the sound of a heart beating. Bah-boom, bah-boom. If looks could kill. Cut. I'm at a different bar this time, walking through a maze of people, their faces one big blur. Just as I get to the other end, I see him, flirting with another boy. He looks at me. Cut. More encounters. All the same. No words spoken, plenty said. You see me in my bedroom, I'm texting Zach but get no answer. A quick shot of me on a date. Cute guy, nice restaurant. Then just as he signals the waiter to come over, you catch me sneaking a peek at my watch. Now I'm at my cubicle working hard. I bury myself in more and more projects. A couple of parties that end in good but entirely unmemorable sex. At the end always the same scenario: I wake up in the middle of the night, quickly get dressed. As I open the door on my way out, a thin ray of light pierces through the darkness. A quick flash of a man's face deep in sleep. He's handsome. I leave. More work, more dates, more sex. The pages of a calendar peel away as footage of my life runs underneath. April, May, June, July. I'm in front of the computer. Close up of the screen. It's blank. I shut down my laptop. Go to bed. As I turn off the lights, fade out.
I've tried writing. But nothing. As though two years of blogging have left me bone dry. And so I've spent the last few months rehydrating with Didion, White, Saramango, Spanbauer, A. S. Byatt, Eugenides (if my style seems different it's because I'm reading Middlesex right now. Fucking masterpiece).
Maybe it's just what the doctor ordered. A long summer break. Now it's time to write again. If this were a TV show, I'd be starting a new season just about now.
Announcer: Next Monday... On Shades Of Gray...
"You ever been in love?"
There are moments that can change a life...
"I don't know, something about him. He's different."
The episode that will have everyone talking...
"I think we should go on a formal date, you know, the All-American dinner and a movie..."
The real adventure is just beginning.
An all new S-O-G.
Monday at 9/8 Central.
There have been some interesting moments in the last few months. A stuffed animal given to me by Cameron on my visit to LA. Gray fuzzy little elephant with human eyes. Cameron who heard I don't do furry toys decided I needed someone to keep me company at night. One of the more romantic presents I've ever gotten. Also a midnight drive to the beach where under the moonlight Cameron proceeded to pull out his iPod, place the headphones in my ears then hit play to Snow Patrol's Chasing Cars. As we're lying on the cold sand on dark Los Angeles night, huddled under a blanket, a kiss, one line.
"Will you lie with me and just forget the world?"
Cameron is sure to have a recurring role this season.
Stay tuned.
