i noticed it this morning. i got the sexy eyes. yep, the sexy eyes. that's when everyone starts looking like lorenzo lamas. oh sure, it's innocent enough at first. a world full of good-looking people. but don't be fooled. ain't nothin' but trouble. you see, looking at the world through the sexy eyes is like having your beer goggles on, only you're sober. and therein lies the problem. when you're drunk you're somewhat aware you've entered risk-taking territory. you (hopefully) know to second-guess your choices. you're prepared that if when you wake up in the morning and there's a stranger in your bed, he may not be calendar material. not so with the sexy eyes. they come without warning. which is why the moment i even suspect i may have them, i find the first cute(ish) guy and scratch the itch. it may sound a bit rash, slutty even. but walking around with the sexy eyes can lead to some rather undesirable consequences. like going into an ihop when you're on a strict low-carb diet, it always leads to unhealthy forking.
come round my little pretties. daddy gonna tell you a story.
the year was 2010 and ethan, who was much younger and handsomer back then, was trying to be good. yes, he had realized that hopping from one bed to another wasn't quite producing the fairy-tale ending he was looking for. so one day he made up his mind to stop whoring around and start having more respect for himself. basically, he turned into a girl. he decided to try this thing called “dating.” what's that you ask? well, apparently it's when you wait to have a conversation, maybe even a meal BEFORE getting popped (hey, sometimes you just need to get popped, so sue me). so little e. said goodbye to all his friends (who were big whores as well), packed up his things and went out to seek his perfect mate. he decided he would take things slow. he would only sleep with someone if a) it was at least a third date b) the man had something interesting to say, and c) the candidate wasn't a total slut just looking for a nice piece of ass (um, hello...have you seen it?). for months (ok maybe it was weeks, but still) ethan searched and searched and searched and searched. he went up the (murray) hill and down to the (west) village. north (of little italy) and south (of houston). no prince in sight. but even though he felt a tad lonely, he realized he was actually happy. he was doing something. he was changing his fate. he was surprised to find that not having sex wasn't as bad as he had thought. he had more time to do the things that he loved, like reading books and working out. for a minute he wondered, "why didn't i try this earlier?" he was still a bit annoyed at not finding mr. charming but thought, “well maybe now that i'm not looking, he'll just show up. like they do in the movies.” for a moment, life was full of possibilities. then one day ethan got the sexy eyes. at first he didn't know what to make of it. everyone around him was beautiful. it was intoxicating. nothing he'd ever experienced in his young life. he marveled at the pretty creatures around him. it was during that time when ethan met tim. tim was ogre. but because ethan was afflicted with the sexy eyes, he seemed handsome to him, dashing even. ethan and tim went out to dinner. they had a wonderful time. it was one of those perfect dates. sparks bouncing off the walls. ethan looked at tim and couldn't help but smile. but even though ethan wanted to sleep with tim (badly) he didn't. he stayed true to his promise. he would only sleep with tim after the third date. two full dates had gone by, and ethan and tim were still going strong. strolls through the park, hand-holding at the movies, talks about a trip to land called la-la. things were great. then it finally came, their third date. ethan could hold no longer. he was nervous and happy and filled with anticipation. could it be? did he manage to cheat his fate? all he could think of was getting in bed with tim, being naked with him. it had been months since he'd been with anyone (ok weeks, but still). they went over to tim's place, got undressed and after a little foreplay eventually consumated their relationship. when ethan woke up in the morning something was different. he looked at tim and didn't think he was at all charming (or good-looking for that matter). then he noticed things he'd never seen before. when tim ate, he chewed with his mouth open. he smelled kind of funny, and he wasn't interesting at all, in fact he was rather boring. at first ethan worried that maybe he'd lost interest simply because they had sex. but then it dawned on him, tim was an ogre. he had been under a spell this entire time. the spell of the sexy eyes. he hadn't found prince charming. he was just really really horny. from that moment on, ethan went back to his merry whorish ways. he realized that not having sex for a long time may sound nice, but having sex sounds nicer. he understood that the act of fornication isn't the end of a possible relationship, it's the beginning. and so he vowed to always be true to his libido, and never buy the car dinner before taking it out for a test-drive. the end. now excuse me boys and girls, there's a nice kid at the coffee shop giving me the look. he's cute, he's blond, and he's got a pulse. he's a sight for sore eyes. a cure for the sexy eyes.