Got a call from Gunner. Haven’t heard from him in months. Then, out of the blue, his number flashing on my caller ID. I dated Gunner for about a minute and a half right after the New Year. I met him at Maritime, a friend of a friend. Cute, fit, dirty blond hair, faraway eyes and an ass that could crack a walnut. He was quiet. I like quiet people, always admired that quality. My family is on the louder side (”Hey Ethan, layoff those donuts will ya? You might as well stick it on your butt, that’s where it’s going anyway”). When I find someone who keeps to himself, I’m intrigued.
Gunner and I did the whole eye thing for a few minutes, then he slipped something in my back pocket while groping my left cheek. ”That’s my number,” he said. “Use it.”
I love a man who can be surly and get away with it. Reminds me of that song by Paula Cole, No cowboys. All gone. But every once in a while, if you’re lucky, you can find someone who doesn’t look like a cowgirl.
I called. We set up a date. Wednesday. I had another date already scheduled for Tuesday night. Wasn’t sure about that one, but the guy was persistent.
Went out with the first guy. Ron. He was nice. But I guess where I come from, that’s just about the worst thing you say about someone. It was awful. Oh-my-God-how-long-before-I-can-fake-a-headache awful. I tried. I asked questions, I raised my eyebrows at the appropriate moment as he told what he thought was an interesting story, but as I ordered my fourth glass of red wine, all I could think of was, "If I had three weeks to live, I’d marry him." Every minute seemed like a year.
At the end of the evening, I gave him the obligatory, “had a nice time” and “I’ll call you,” then made a mental note to store his number in my phone so that I know not to answer.
The next evening went on a date with Gunner. Hot, beautiful, mysterious, and wow, interesting Gunner. Maybe it was the stark contrast from the night before or maybe Gunner was really good, but I ended up spending the night. He was as breathtaking out of his clothes as he was in them. A nice smooth beautifully round ass, and a dick that should be displayed in glass casing.
I went home the next morning, a big smile on my face hoping he’d call again. He did, the next day, and asked if I was busy that Friday. Normally I would pretend I was, but that ass. We made plans for 9:00 p.m. Dinner and a movie.
I was heading to the corner of 18th and Eighth where we were supposed to meet and who do I stumble into? Ron. Great, got to get rid of him before Gunner gets here. Too embarrassing. But before I could say, “hey what are you doing here?” He hits me with, “so are we ready?” What? Ready? Ready for what? I felt like I was in some other parallel universe, where I make a date with one boy and another shows up. What’s going on here?
We’re walking. Ron’s asking questions but all I can think of is, “Why are you here and where is Gunner? For five minutes, dead man walking. I’m trying to figure out what went wrong, then it hits me. I stored the wrong number under Gunner’s name. Ron’s. When he called to set up a second date, I thought I was talking to Gunner. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Depressed. Not by the thought that the G-man never actually called, but now I have to sit through another mind-numbing date with Ron. I must have angered Aphrodite. Maybe it was the hubris of scheduling two dates in two nights, or maybe I’m just an idiot.
Gunner called a couple of days later. I never told him. Figured best keep that to myself.
hey ethan, w/ your success: im sure your gonna be scheduling dates like a plastic surgeon in beverly hills...and if your interested: my friend "timmy's" dad is the original "malboro man"(german) and his mom is thai, so he is one really good-looking "erasian" kid ! but hes also only 25 yrs old (like me) and my height (6'2") but is as smart as someone his (our) age can be...and a model too! (just like his dad)(but NOT like me)
lemme know ! perhaps we can shoot for a "date" sometime early next year ? i can play the part of the "lousey" date that you double-booked...by accident...
(hope mr hunt dosent see this...)
Posted by: clark | August 04, 2005 at 10:37 AM
Ha ha, great story. I actually cracked a smile once I figured out what was happening to you - that sucks so much! I honestly would have made up an excuse and ran. To quote Strangers with Candy: "Um, I have to go, uh, wash my grandmother."
Posted by: Toby | August 04, 2005 at 11:12 AM
LOL. Yikes. I guess their voices must've sounded pretty alike. Either that or the let's-set-up-a-date convo was super short. Heh.
Posted by: R-R | August 04, 2005 at 12:18 PM
Now Ethan I guess I should feel sorry for you in terms of Ron, but come on brother. You brought that on your ownself!!!! "I had a nice time. I'll call"?!?!?!?! If you had no intention of calling, why did you offer? Listen guys, you go out on a date, the guy bores you to tears, be up front and move on. None of this "yeah, love you, I''ll call" stuff. Now of course the smart ones reading this will realize I'm the guy who is always cast as Ron (not in Ethan's story of course...smile), but I'm tired of the dates where I know there will be no call back but the guy says "'ll call." We are all big boys and girls. Be honest and move on.
peace
Posted by: James | August 04, 2005 at 12:51 PM
I disagree. On paper that theory works, but I think telling someone they're boring to their face is cold, unecesary. I'll take an "I'll call you" anytime over a "sorry, but you make me want to crawl under the table and die."
Posted by: ethan | August 04, 2005 at 01:25 PM
OMG! That is horrible! I would have just died...right then and there! That, my friend, is a mistake I am sure you will never make again! That is SOOOOO something I would do! Glad you pulled it off beautifully. Next time, store the number under, "Do Not Answer" associated with the right name...So whatever happened to Gunnar?
Posted by: Roy | August 04, 2005 at 01:27 PM
Now I'm not saying you need to say "this booty you will never touch you boring SOB", but the "I'll call" gives a glimmer of hope when there is none. For me, be up front; call me a boring SOB to my face. I'll curse you out over a cosmo, but I will not be rushing to the phone everytime it rings! :-)
peace
Posted by: james | August 04, 2005 at 01:29 PM
Oh, and Strangers with Candy... I miss it so much, it hurts.
Hey Toby, know this one?
Mother: "I can't believe you did that! displaying pictures of yourself, how humiliating, what am I going to tell the other parents?"
"What's the big deal so we took a few naked pictures, it's natural."
"You were naked?"
Posted by: ethan | August 04, 2005 at 01:38 PM
Ha ha - this is apparently a line from the new SWC movie.
Principal Blackman: I need a student who's smart. Jerri, what's your GPA?
Jerri: Pisces...
Posted by: Toby | August 04, 2005 at 04:22 PM
O.K. one quick question is this Gunner from Philadelphia and is he the proud owner of GunnerWorld.com if so I know him well.
Posted by: Chad Hunt | August 04, 2005 at 06:50 PM
nope, NYC. I think he's originally from Texas.
Posted by: ethan | August 04, 2005 at 07:37 PM
ROTFLMAO, thanks for sharing that ;-)
Posted by: demetrius | August 05, 2005 at 07:58 AM
i'm trying to feel shmpathetic for Ron. i REALLY am! haha but...i mean, i've been there. it's like you're sitting across this table thinking "uhhhh....grrrr...i don't wanna be mean... but..." lol
sucks tho. i guess that really was karma. i hope you made Ron pay second time out. jk
Posted by: Derrick | August 05, 2005 at 08:52 PM