My freakishly big-breasted friend Madeleine called to tell me her incredibly cute ex-boyfriend Wilson was performing a stand-up routine at this place, and would I please, please join her? Now, I like a good joke as much as the next guy, but not if the next guy is sitting in some badly-lit improv lounge in Chelsea. I’ve learned never to go to these things, I’ve made that mistake before and it’s the surest way to lose a friend. They suck, and then you can’t look them in the eye anymore, and well, I like looking at Wilson, it’s a visual orgasm.
But Madeleine promised it would only be 20 minutes. Besides, she has the biggest boobs and she lets me play with them. My friend Kim (not my roommate) joined us, a lovely beautiful and single girl (if you know any hot, unattached, and employed men, please let me know, oh and someone for Kim too). I love Kim. She has the best worst-dates stories that make faggots look sane. She’s on my speed-dial, whenever I feel like my love life is fucked up, I give her a call.
The idea was to pay our respects, sit through Wilson’s act, then head to nearest bar and get tanked. One problem with that plan, Wilson was last. We waited an hour and a half, cringing through the some of the worst, tow-curling performances since Elizabeth Berkeley in Showgirls. It was so bad, if SNL did a skit using that material you’d think they over-did it.
I’m not exaggerating. One act involved two guys in wigs talking about tuna-tinis and mar-tunas (something about how during Prohibition martinis were made with tuna?). They went on and on:
“Hey Marvin, there’s not enough tuna in my tuna-tini, but there’s much to much tuna in my mar-tuna." Um, okay.
Then these two lesbians got on stage, sporting bad hair cuts and flannel shirts (I swear I'm not making this up) and did a ten-minute song about Radio Shack. Radio Shack! They played their acoustic guitars, with screeching voices, like two cats fucking.
But that wasn’t the worst part. As the three of us tried to drink ourselves into oblivion, sucking on beer cans like cancer patients on a doobie, this little person got on stage and sang something called “Heavenly Discotheque,” about love in the afterlife. A small man dressed in a suit that looked like it was ripped off a Ken doll, moving his head to the sound of synthesizers. At first, I thought this was a going to lead up to a funny punch line. Nope. Just a bad Willy Wonka moment.
Kim looked at me, her eyes saying, “Is this for real?” Then she whispered, “I bet you ten bucks he’s married.” I looked at Madeleine. She was slowly melting into her seat with a doomed look on her face, a person aware of having dragged unsuspecting victims to something that can only be described as surreal. I figured I’d exercise some Schadenfreude. I leaned over and quietly said, “Bitch, you owe us a blow-job.”
Lucky for Madeleine, Wilson was funny. More importantly, he was hot. Hotter than any sexual favor from an udderly good friend.
Not udderly!!!! All the decent straight men I know are out of town, but if any come up I'll throw out a few names. It's funny how difficult comedy is and just because your grandmother thinks you are the funniest thing since Jack Benny does not mean you need to be on stage.
peace
Posted by: James | August 01, 2005 at 08:10 AM
Yes, I agree. Hey, that's a good idea, anyone who has a cute single straight friend, send his info over. I'll give it to Kim (really, she's a gem, beautiful).
Posted by: ethan gray | August 01, 2005 at 09:18 AM
FREAKISHLY big-breasted???
You are so dead, Gray!!!!
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Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
Posted by: Madeleine | August 01, 2005 at 10:30 AM
Oh PLEASE... I've seen cows blush when you walk by.
Posted by: Ethan Gray | August 01, 2005 at 10:51 AM
omg! What you said to Madeleine was something I would have said to my girls if they made me sit through something sooo bad! You crack me up! Gah! I wish I was in NY! You'd be sooo fun to hang with! Love reading your stuff mr. gray....
Posted by: Roy | August 01, 2005 at 11:09 AM
Although I have to confess that just hearing about Miss Madeleine makes me want to send her some flowers and ask her on a date. In my previous life I did date women (no hissing please). In fact my longest relationship was with a woman. Granted this is way too much sharing, but I'm at work and would rather be drinking.
peace
Posted by: James | August 01, 2005 at 12:45 PM
Why grandma, What big breasts you have! ... the better to Titty Fuck with my dear!
Posted by: Chad Hunt | August 01, 2005 at 03:30 PM
Hahahaha...that's funny CHAD! Why don't you have your own blog???
Posted by: Roy | August 01, 2005 at 04:35 PM
uhm, ive seen some BIG breasts in my lifetime too (ie: my "french-canadian-lesbian-wife-that-needed-a-greencard") and after 3yrs of being "married" to a woman, ive learned to respect that they are equally smart and strong when it comes to being successful (and re-wiring a ceiling light/fan w/ 3 speeds and a dimmer) she is also pretty good at seducing "straight" woman into bed and making them cross-over ! perhaps we can consider the possibilty of introducing your girlfriends to her, invite your "gorgeous"straight male friends along, and get ready for an all-"out" experience ! kill 2 birds w/ just one lesbian stone ! (?)i promise that i will only "watch"...along w/ you, of course !!
ps- who says that "gay marriages" dont work ?!
Posted by: clark | August 01, 2005 at 04:50 PM
That's hysterical Ethan! I'll just add these footnotes, as one of the Unfortunate Three in attendance: throughout the night, I was humming in my head "Comedy School Drop-Outs.. go back to high school" (sung to that 'Grease' dream sequence) The performances (minus Wilson's) were so mind-numbingly, hair-curlingly AWFUL that it took consecutive big-gulps of "Pabst Blue Ribbon" beer -- in the CAN -- to help us laugh about it. Seriously people -- don't make the rest of us suffer through your delusions of talent. That's what your shower, hairbrush, and local karaoke bar are all for! UDDERLY TRAGIC!
Posted by: Kim | August 01, 2005 at 04:55 PM
Great story, but we never heard about the act that was so good. What was it, exactly? Should people definitely go and check out future performances? And what about Wilson's partner? I bet he's hot too, or at least cute in a Midwestern sort of way.
Posted by: Krister | August 02, 2005 at 06:51 PM
haha that's a funny story. i dunno, i think even the most mediocre experiences sometimes can end up being hilarious when you look back at them later. i mean, it was funny for me to read about. and i might be gay but i looooove me some big breasts! your friend and i need to meet for a drink. i'll bring a hot str8 boy for her. actually, i'll bring a hot str8 boy for me AND her (hey, why should she have all the fun?) lol.
oh, and i once did karaoke at Pieces. yeah, i know. and it was Cher. yeah, like i said, i know. me and these NYU gay boys just kept signing up to sing "the divas" (madonna, cher, janet..blah). looking back, i guess it was funny. excruciating at the time, but funny as a memory. ya know, flipping my imaginary hair back and curling my tongue to "Dark Lady". *shudders* lol. well, i'm glad Wilson's show rocked. that's coolness.
Posted by: Derrick | August 04, 2005 at 12:32 AM
Wow! I had no idea that my breasts would be so lovingly embraced by you boys. Thank you so much for your kind words and loving support. They would be honored to meet each and every one of you for drinks.
And Krister, let me just say from personal experience that Wilson's partner has got himself one bangin' bod. I'm thinking a little God's Pottery sandwich would be quite tasty.....
Posted by: Madeleine | August 05, 2005 at 03:54 PM
I've had experiences at the local country Presbyterian church where the act was so bad I started giggling uncontrollably and had to get upand leave in the midst of the caterwauling. Something about a cabin over in GloryLand that's almost ready for me. Sounded kind of sinister to me.
I'm gay, but it's just so much fun to get lost rolling around in a pair of soft, huge, billowy breasts.
Posted by: Daniel | June 10, 2006 at 03:15 PM