Montreal

They say every moment in life is somehow connected to another. Each second inexplicably linked to a past episode or a future one, an intricate weave of events that make up the fabric of a lifetime.

This weekend, heading to Montreal. Black & Blue. I’ve been there before, four years almost to the day. Promised myself I'd never go back, yet here I am, ticket in hand, traveling north.

Why then? Jason told me he was planning on going to Montreal the day that we met, excited, like a kid in Disneyland.
“You should come,” he said, “it’ll be fun.”
“No thanks. Montreal and I, we don’t get along.”

Four weeks later, he kept insisting. Seemed Sincere about wanting me there. I was flattered.

Last time I went to Montreal, back in 2001, it was bad, one of those moments in life you wish you could just rewind, erase. I had just broken up with Seth, had no business being at a circuit party, but my best friend thought it would cheer me up. He arranged all the flights, booked the hotel, and so we went.

For a minute I was actually having fun. Cobblestone streets, French-Canadian accents, perfect naked strippers, the smell of winter, hundreds of miles away from the epicenter of pain. No fear of bumping into him, not here.

A smile, a laugh, a drink, then another. More drinks that I can remember. Then a moment I wish I could forget. My fingers dialing. Though drunk off my ass, his number was clear in my mind, still is. Funny, for the life of me I can’t remember my own phone number at the time, but even today his refuses to give up its space in my head.

“Hello?” his voice was still heavy with sleep.

“Hey Seth.”

“Ethan? What time is it?”

“I don’t know, 4:00 maybe 5:00?”

“In the morning? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m in Montreal.”

“What’s going on?”

Then that moment that will haunt you for years. The one that will remind you of the awesome power of love. You on your knees.

Ethan, meet your future sense of compassion:

“I need to know… do you still love me?” I asked.

Pathetic, predictable, sad. That’s the worst part about heartbreak, living a badly written B-movie.

“Of course I love you.” He answered.

No, don’t stop there, you really need to get slapped. Slapped so hard it will make your head spin. Don’t hold back. God forbid you should keep your dignity and move away from the fire.

“No, not like that, I mean are you IN love with me?”

There you said it. You already know the answer, but you need to hear it, from his mouth.

“No. I’m not. And I think it’s time you moved on.”

You just didn’t expect him to be that harsh.

I hung up the phone and went back to the hotel. Those words ringing in my ear, an echo reverberating through an empty soul.

“… It’s time you moved on."

I called Chad, my first lover, the person I call when things go wrong. I tell him the story but instead of sympathy, laughter from the other end of the line. And not a small chuckle either, a big one.

“It’s not funny. What the fuck?” I tell him, all indignant.

“I’m sorry dude, but it is funny, think about it, you call your ex at 5:00 in the morning, two months after your breakup to ask him if he’s still in love with you? You don’t think it’s funny? It’s fucking hysterical, pretty cliché if you ask me."

“I don’t know why I call you. You suck. This is so embarrassing.”

Then, he says that thing that sticks with you for years and becomes your weapon against any future self-inflicted torture.

“Ethan, keep a sense of humor about things. If you step back, you'll see it's quite comical. Besides, I wouldn’t worry so much about what Seth thinks. After everything you’ve put into the relationship, you’ve earned one moment of embarrassment.”

I smile. He’s right. I've at least earned that much.

Comments

[Paul]

Hey, lucky you have you a good pal like Chad to talk to :)

Paul

[ethan]

Yeah I am... He's my rock.

[James]

Brother a 5 am phone call? With you drunk? What did you expect him to do? Buy a ticket and coming rushing up north??!?!? :-)

Your friend is right. It is a great story. The best tales are always screwed up in some crazy way.

peace
james

[William Scott]

Validation,, who needs it? The embarrasment is worth it? I have to agree with Chad,,, smart dude.

[Derrick]

It may have worked to your benefit. you never know. maybe after he hung up that phone he thought to himself "wow, did i really hurt him that much?" *shrugs*. either way, atleast your friend was there to give you the right perspective on it.

[Roy]

Yes, you have earned that much. But you have learned and grown sooo much since then!