The Voice of Experience

I felt it coming. I’ve been preparing for it, slowly cutting down the number of calls, time spent together, like a man reducing the amount of cigarettes smoked each day right before quitting. I even made plans for my birthday next week. Somehow I knew.

There were no flashing signs, nothing specific, just an unshakable feeling, experience in the form of an inner voice telling me to be careful.

When I got back after a weeklong trip, a call, he wanted to see me. Has he missed me? Have I just been paranoid? Am I becoming that jaded?

We sat on my bed, chatting about nothing. Two people, boyfriends catching up. Then out of nowhere, “We need to talk.”

“Oh,” I say.

I look at him, his eyes. Nope, I wasn’t jaded. Not one bit.
“Is it over?” I ask.

A pause, then a word.
“Yes.”

I thought I’d be upset. I thought I’d feel sad. But all I say is, “Okay.”

That was it. No drama, no tears, no cracking of voice. The boy can be taught after all.

He looked at me, surprise in his face.
“Do you want to talk about it?”

Two years ago I would have asked, I would have needed an explanation. But now all I tell him is, “Not really.”

This is not how he’d envisioned this conversation. He had a speech prepared.

“Do you want me to leave?”
There was a time when I'd have said yes, closed the door on his face. Instead, I walk him downstairs, four flights to my building door.

He tries to say goodbye, be civil, not an easy thing to do. An awkward silence, an uncomfortable look, more silence.
“I’ll wait for you to call me,” he says.
“Call you?”
“Ethan, I like you. I’d still like to be in touch, but I’ll leave that up to you.”

Years ago I would have told him that probably wasn’t going to happen.
“That’s probably not going to happen,” I tell him still.

Maybe I’m not as evolved as I like think I am, or maybe I’m just evolved enough to know that’s not a good idea. A feeling, experience in the form of an inner voice telling me to be careful.

Comments

[i love ethan]

no!!!!!! has the fairytale romance ended.... please say no.

[Brian]

I remember that conversation well. It seems like the more times you have it, the easier it gets. Sadly.

[A ROCK STAR]

Way to go! You know when it is right and you know when it is over. Dont sweat, on to the next.

[Drew]

You have such a good insight and persepective. It's been three weeks since my "talk".

[sean]

"if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. then stop. there's no use being a damn fool about it..."

[John]

or maybe you know yourself well enough to know that you probably won't call him. =o\

[Roy]

Oh sweetie!!! I'm soooo sorry to hear about this! Things seemed so wonderful for you two! At least the ending of it all was not all dramatic and such! You guys are both mature and you handled yourself beautifully....Now on to the next boy! **hugs**

[Roy]

Awwwww..thanks for commenting on my site today! That was very sweet of you! You know, I take away a lot of what you say in your blog entries about your past experiences and current ones. You are amazing...Truly an inspiration! I can't believe you like my blog...I'm totally flattered!

[kim]

Sorry that you had to endure that, but like you said you were pre-cautious these last few weeks. Expecting the expected.
At this point in life inner feelings aren't always being jaded.
You've spent enough time together to have those feelings.
You start to feel if he's upset or angry. Sick or happy.
And I think it's good that you found out now and not a year into it like you mentioned.
After all, the best part is that we live in a city where there is a hottie just around the corner to help us forget.
At least for the night ............. Love ya .... HRH♦P.K.

[anono.blogger]

I think we realize that the end of a relationship is no longer the end of the world as we go in and out of relationships. As long as you don't lose your sense of amazement going into the next, all should be well.

A.B.

[aussie gav]

You still havent gotten over Seth.
You need to let that one go before you can move on. I refused to let go of my ex for 3 years and moved nowhere. Let it go mate, for your own sake you gotta say thanks and then let him go forever.

[James]

Sorry to hear about it. Take care of yourself.

peace
james

[Derrick]

Ethan that sucks. What doesn't suck is that you handled it so well, outwardly, with him. it really says something about you to the other party when you skip the tears and screams and fireworks and get right to the place you'll be at months later anyways. i'm sorry to hear it didn't continue though. head up, cute boys who ARE ready for you abound. :-)

[Dray]

You guys suck...you seem so silly, all that, for so little time spent...oh well I guess thats what you call puppy love. Two young pups!

[correllis]

Bray, longer time doesnt constitute to greater love. Love (be it puppy love or not) is something that sparks randomly and random people and when u know it, grab it before the magic is gone.

[Dray]

puppy love to me is just playing at love...
Lust is fun and can look like love...but real love is lasting.

[David Dalley]

You captured the moment well. The whole "we need to talk" line - it kills me every time, regardless of who says it. One of those times in life that just rips your heart right out from your chest and makes you feel entirely empty.

[Ethan]

Its the stuff that makes life fun!

[Roy]

I hope you are doing ok Ethan!

[Nick]

I wish you the best in working through your pain and disappointment and becoming stronger and more aware of your desires for the future.

[Kevin]

i know yr friends are supposed to say "aww, sorry, that sux etc" -- but I say congratulations.

every *forward* step we take in life is another important moment in our evolution. every day we stay in the wrong relationship is a day lost, a day we spend in limbo.

you're a remarkable person -- keep moving, ethan. :-)

[jigme]

I think you'll be fine, you seem to have a very rational and experienced outlook. Be well.