Valentine’s day.
Two weeks.
Single.
Again.
Keep telling myself it’s nothing, just another day. Nothing. But no matter how much I try to ignore it, I can’t. Reminders popping up everywhere, exploding with each step, like land mines on a war-torn border.
“So, what are you doing for Valentine’s day?” Asks a friend over dinner.
“Not much.”
Sad look.
“You’ll find someone.”
I know he means well, just wants me to be happy. He’s been with his lover for seven years, a good relationship. He gives me that look. I don’t say a thing.
He’s not the only one. It’s the look I get this time of year, sad, pitiful.
“Hi, yes, I’d like a reservation for two for February 14th please,” I hear a friend at work say. He puts down the phone, giddy, big smile. Then catches my eye, gives me that look.
I walk into a store, the whole fucking place red hearts, pink cupids, enough to make a teenage girl dizzy. As I look around, I hear Dean Martin blasting through tiny speakers.
“You’re nobody till somebody loves you…”
I smile. I know the storeowner means well. I try to ignore the song, the hearts, the nausea. It’s just a song. Nothing.
“…You’re nobody till somebody cares.”
Can take care of myself. Don’t need anyone right now. Don’t want the complications.
“You may be king, you may possess the world and
it's gold…”
For the first time in my life, I’m good. I’m single and I’m good.
“But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old.”
Seriously, who needs the nagging, the constant prodding? I can stay out as late as I want, go to dinner with friends. I can watch a bunch of stupid comedies, leave every light on, order pizza with any topping I want, even anchovies. I can Tivo the O.C. and Charlie Rose, and no one, no one fights me over the remote. I can piss all over the toilet seat and leave a pile of dirty dishes in the sink until they reek. Life is good.
“You're nobody 'til somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody, find yourself somebody,
Find yourself somebody to love.”
I walk out.
I try to ignore it, but I can’t. I know that at the end of the day, although dinner with friends is nice, I’d much rather stay home. I’ve seen all the bad comedies, frankly, I can’t remember the last time I’ve even looked at my Tivo. And pizza is so much better with pepperoni anyway.
I realize that this time of the year people are going to look at me funny. And though it makes me uncomfortable, I’ll smile and say nothing. Because no matter how irritated I get, they mean well. And the truth of the matter is, although Dean Martin’s a sick son of a bitch, it is nice when somebody loves you, when somebody cares.
two weeks is enough a time to find someone ethan. *hugs*
Posted by: Ash | February 02, 2006 at 11:20 AM
Well, no, they don't mean well. People who mean well don't pity you. People who mean well don't give you *that* look. If they meant well, they'd invite you over, with a bunch of friends, so that you wouldn't feel lonely a day the Florists' Association appointed as they day for lovers to buy flowers.
Valentine's Day is just a sick form of social control. It's just to tell you it's sick to be single.
Just so you know: Eva Braun cared for Adolf Hitler... So yes, Dean Martin's a sick son of a bitch.
Not to say it's not nice when you get the lovey dovey thing, of course :-)
Posted by: Nick | February 02, 2006 at 12:58 PM
hey ethan we love you and care about you
big((hugs)) and xxkissesxx from istanbul...
ali&mehmet
Posted by: istanbulcasual | February 02, 2006 at 05:45 PM
Good writing. Very inspirational, particularly the previous post. I'm thinking or writing another short story... I may credit you.
Posted by: Yeti | February 02, 2006 at 09:28 PM
You really haven't been single that much...from what I've read. There will always be Valentine's Day...don't worry, be happy!
Posted by: Dray | February 02, 2006 at 11:07 PM
keep the faith boy. You still have a lot of life and love ahead of you.
Posted by: Eddie | February 03, 2006 at 02:14 AM
"its feels so great and is so much fun, until someone gets hurt..."
not to sound like a broken record, but: as a fellow "single-in-nyc" that has seen enough "show-your-love-commercial-holidays" to become a suicidal-maniac,
i still try to remind myself that pleasure and happiness will always and forever be dependant on someone or something...so why not find joy from what you can own forever and not be afraid to loose... yourself !!
and that my friend, may seem hard at first, but becomes even more precious once you do find it amongst all these desires and distractions that surround us here (and everywhere) in nyc...
my advice?
finish your book, eat whatever makes YOU happy...and for the love of people w/ OCD, WASH YOUR DISHES !!!
(please ^_^)
Posted by: clark | February 03, 2006 at 06:54 AM
Feeling bad for yourself on Valentine's Day is almost as cliche as the holiday itself.
Posted by: Toby | February 03, 2006 at 08:53 AM
so is being a bitter queen.
Posted by: Ethan | February 03, 2006 at 03:23 PM
ahhhh its finally valentine! i am dateless too, maybe we should go on a date! =)
Nice writing, it suddenly hits me, I am alone =(
Posted by: blah | February 03, 2006 at 05:55 PM
Thanks for the comment, I think your great too !
As for Valentine's Day. I'm always weary about those holiday's that make you have to be happy, in love or excited.
It's much better to have romance when it's spontaneous.
Imagine that, on that very day. Every body is sitting at dinner and it's probably in some French or Italian restaurant.
Imagine how many are really happy. How many people have gone crazed with trying to find that perfect gift. How many people are pissed because they have to spend tons of money.
My wager, many. Love should come at your own pace and never shoved in your face.
So take this time to enjoy yourself and your friends. Eat what you want and watch what you want.
And by the way, leaving dishes in the sink and pissing on the toilet are not options ! And you know what I mean.
HRH♦P.K.
Posted by: kim | February 03, 2006 at 06:15 PM
Don't let the bastards get you down buddy, it's a totaly fake holiday, just like Sweetest Day, designed to move crap merchadise to gullible breeders and gay men who ought to know better.
Being the best "You" that you can be is the big picture, and thats going to get you a lot closer to whatever you want then letting merchandising-manipluation guilt you into feeling bad about yourself.
When you find the love you deserve, it will be every day, and you wont need a Hallmark Holiday to remind you.
At 43, I've had it, lost it, got the t-shirt and washed my car with it. Truth be told, I'd rather be single now than any other time.
It's a LOT more fun being a gay grown-up than I ever had when I was younger. The toys are more fun, the men more interesting and complex, the sin so much sweeter.
Take it all in stride my friend.
"While I am not all that you would have me be. I am not yet all that I shall become"
Buzz
Posted by: Buzz | February 04, 2006 at 02:38 PM
Who's the bitter queen? I have a boyfriend.
Seriously, if one more person thinks he's clever by calling me out as a "bitter queen"... Augh.
Posted by: Toby | February 04, 2006 at 05:46 PM
Oh no you did not just bitch-slap Mr. Toby! For some reason I think that would be really entertaining to watch in real life.
Posted by: richwhiteboy | February 05, 2006 at 02:40 PM
feel you man,irony is the worst valentines i have had i when i had a boyfriend so be happy to be single
Posted by: pette | February 06, 2006 at 05:54 PM
I never liked Valentine's Day. Whether I had a bf or not. I hate the "expectation" of it all. Like, it's the ONE day I gotta buy a card or get dinner reservations and blah, blah, blah. Or the one day when you just "can't be alone." But, I mean, says who? I always do random romantic things. I don't need no Hallmark sanctioned holiday to be allowed to let people know that I love them. And why out of 365 days in a year just THIS ONE do we NEED to not be alone? Like we're big huge failures in our entire lives or something if we just don't have a date on Valentines.
Well, I no longer "hate" Valentines. Sometimes, you need cheesy holidays to remind you of what you've got. And I always tell people that you don't have to only be expressive of love on V-day to another person! We love lotsa things! If you love what you do, or if you are anchored down by great friends whom you love and love you back, or if you are lucky enough (as not all of us gays are) to be surrounded by a loving family...or even if you are a person who loves to cook--then you spend V-Day making yourself that like, difficult cook book recipe you've been wanting to make just cuz you know you'll love spending all night making it and then catching a good movie while eating it. Love can be more than just holding someone else's hand during a Julia Roberts flick.
Hey, even if your "love" for V-day is a bottle of lube and Fire Island Cruising 1 thru 7--go for it! It's Valentine's after all.
Posted by: Bobby Alexander | February 07, 2006 at 12:09 AM
Am I the only one who thinks you should have told your "friend" - who knows that you're single and that he's not - to fuck off when he asked you what you were doing for Valentine's Day? It's people like him that make it so uncomfortable for those of us who are often single on this crappy, corporate-invented holiday.
I say, screw the sadness, and go out and get laid on Valentine's Day. There are often scads of hot young men looking a little harder on that night...
Posted by: Alex | February 11, 2006 at 07:45 AM
Hello Ethan, I'm in the same situation you're in but just remember, it's better to be happy alone than being miserable with someone. You will find that someone, just not right now.
Posted by: John | February 11, 2006 at 09:04 PM
"like land minds on a war-torn border."
It's "mines," moron.
Lord this is terrible.
Posted by: Seymour | February 27, 2006 at 02:40 PM
Thanks will fix, and bite me.
Posted by: ethan | February 28, 2006 at 12:21 PM