One Way Ticket

Was dancing with a friend at Bank when he walked over. A vision. Tall, dark hair, big blue eyes, broad shoulders, and thick arms that could make you feel safe at night.

“Can I tell you something?” He asked.

“Sure.”

“I have the biggest crush on you.”

Just like that.

"Really?"

I have a crush on him too. A big one. But even though I know he's been single for a while, I haven't made my move. Can't. I could anger the gods just thinking about it. He's a Hanukkah candle. Can look but you can't touch.

Now he's standing in front of me in a club his hands on my waist. I should walk away but my legs, they won't move.

We dance a bit. I can feel his breath on my ear, his heart pounding underneath his shirt. Then, just as we're about to kiss, just at the moment a 60-piece orchestra would hit the crescendo in a romance flick, a clearing of the throat.

“I don’t do one night stands,” he says.

"Okay."

“But I’d like to see you again.”

I pull out my phone, turn it on. Blue on his face, his eyes, his clothes. I punch in the number, then look at him.

“It’s Austin.”

“Ethan.”

“I know.”

He says good-bye. He's about to leave.

"Wait..."

One last try.

“Can’t we just cuddle?” I say, a smile on my face.

He looks at me. I can tell he doesn’t trust my intentions. He knows.

“No sex?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die.”

“Let’s go.”

We head out, walk the five blocks to his apartment. It’s cold out.

“Do you remember my name?”

“Austin.”

“Do you remember when we met?”

How could I forget? This is where I go back. Tell you the story I never thought I’d tell.

John was an up and coming DJ with a regular gig at a small East Village bar. A cozy place where my friends and I used to hang out on Thursday nights. I remember the first time I walked through the door, saw him. Tall, lanky, beautiful face, a body that wouldn't quit. He was nothing short of stunning. It wasn't unusual for guys to trip over their step as their eyes caught the sight of John in his booth, his ear glued to his shoulder.

I’ll admit. I had my eye on him too, even though I knew he had a boyfriend. I think deep down I never thought he’d go for it, which is why I flirted. Shamelessly. But one day he bit. And before I knew it, we were in bed, his elongated muscles and smooth skin all around me.

It was one night. We never talked about it again. John had a boyfriend, I had Jewish guilt. And that was that.

Then one day as I'm at the bar, John's boyfriend walked in. Tall, blonde, thin-rimmed glasses. Cute. Nerdy cute. John's total opposite.

"Ethan, this is my boyfriend, Aaron."

A look, a smile. Trouble, capital F.

Aaron's being nice, a little too nice. He's chatty, his hand's touching the small of my back, then the back of my leg. His eyes are smiling at me, he's got that look.

I'm sweating bullets. This is dangerous; I'm playing with fire. I should stop, go home. But Aaron's too cute. He's got big hands.

Then, as John turns around looking for a record, Aaron grabs my arm, pulls me aside. We're in the bathroom. We're making out. He's on his knees. I'm going to hell.

The story doesn't end well. The gods, they don't like hubris. Aaron ended up telling John. John confessed to Aaron and I was caught in the crosshairs of two angry lovers.

Cold shoulders, looks that could kill, months of guilt and shame and the knowledge that I'm not above trash. The white kind.

I heard from friends John and Aaron split soon after that.

"Yeah, we kind figured if that happened, it wasn't a good sign," Aaron told me when I ran into him months later.

More Guilt, more shame. Lowest of the low. Gutter.

I bumped into John in Provincetown that summer. Was waiting for a table on Commercial Street when I noticed him having dinner with another boy. It was a first date, I could tell. Something about the way they looked into each other's eyes, the way their bodies leaned forward.

"What's up man?"
"I'm good and you?"
"Good, Ethan this is Austin, Austin, Ethan."

There was no hate in his voice. He was with someone new now. Life, funny that way.

I'd see them, John and his new boy, around. Always very close, always happy. They looked cute together. Then it happened. A crush. Nothing immediate. Took a while before I noticed how beautiful Austin actually was. Happens sometimes. You don't see someone's magic right away. Then you wonder how you missed it.

There was something in Austin's eyes, a kind of tenderness. Wisdom too.

But with my past, our indirect history, I figured best to ignore it.

Now we're walking to his place in the East Village. It's nighttime and he's just told me he likes me. Life, funny that way.

In his bedroom, in the dark, we get naked, and under the covers. We hug, we touch, but we have no sex. At one point he kisses me, soft on the lips. A good kiss. I can feel it in my toes.

"I've wanted to that for seven months," he says.

I feel like saying, "Yeah, me too." But I'm not that fearless.

I touch his body, his beautiful flat stomach. He sighs. I look into his eyes and I know I could have sex with him right now. He's mine for the taking.

But I don't.

"No sex remember?" I say.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

He's not offended. He knows it means I like him.

In the morning I get up, go home. Amazed at the fact that this boy likes me. Amazed at life's incredible twists and turns. But even more amazed that in my 35 years on this earth, this is my first time "just cuddling."

Comments

[David]

That's sweet. The fact that my romantic life is currently lived vicariously through you is not.

[angy]

Wow... Made me cry a bit, just because it was so beautiful.

[Kurb]

Funny that. Looks like every gets to sleep with everyone else in the end.

[Luis Guillermo]

This is so sweet! I think it's a very romantic story, even at the end. My best wishes.

[clark]

perhaps the ones that go for the sex on the first night and make it a "one night stand" -like me-are just too drunk to remember anything about the sex -good or bad- and then too hung over to want to be touched -or cuddle-soon after?
followed by the sobering deep sleeping that allows your trick to sneak out w/out the chance of exchanging numbers -and names- and usually makes running into that person again -with his boyfriend- kinda innocent as well...
the life of a promiscuous drunk, funny, eh ?

ps- happy belated birthday ^_^

[Chantelle]

-sighs dreamily-
that was beautiful.

I 'just cuddled' with my straight laced beau for a long time before she let me get anywhere. . it has its own type of magic i must say

on another note,glad to see you're back. My refresh button almost quit on me these last two months you were away : )

Happy holidays & Best wishes Ethan !

[rakesh]

What I say is - Get a life!!! How many guys have u slept around with? 1000? I am no prude but you are such a loser.

[Arthur]

I don't think its bad. It's just a coincidence of bodies...

[Derrick]

I was waiting for another Ethan classic. Good to have you back, man.

And what's this about belated birthday? Ditto that from me, too.

[kyra]

hey ethan, i'm an avid reader of your blog. excellent writing, should consider publishing a book :)

from a straight girl in singapore

[Gina]

I get the Jewish guilt. I have Catholic guilt and plenty to feel guilty for. ;)

Beautiful writing. I hope we get to hear more of the story.

I wish I had your self-control. I try...

[murraynz]

How do you manage to make the city seem so very, very small.

All the gays wind up rolling together.

Just the way it should be.

[salman]

Great post, i had almost given up on your blog, wide gap between 'colour of envy' and the next one,it was nice when i checked back to find not one but two new great posts.

[redgalaxoid]

Wow, that's amazing. I've only felt that kind of attraction once, and things didn't end too well. And since then I've been secretly waitng for something like what you're having now... Great Post, by the way.

[TonkaManOR]

I just wanted to comment on how much I enjoy reading what you write.

Thank You!

[Toby]

Pretty much the only blog entry of yours without a happy ending, if you know what I mean. Shocking!

[Kaye]

You write with a kind of moving elegance, and I should give credit where it is due. I wish I had your life!

[DonPato]

Hot story kind of made me horny.

DonPato
San Jose

[Roy]

Just cuddling is awesome! And I SO get you and your jewish guilt! It's a curse that we jews have to deal with, but it keeps us balanced, no? Hope you had a Happy Holiday!

[Ray]

ethan, your blog has turned into a load of shit.
okay, so now you're in love with "austin." what about "bobby" from two days ago? i have three ideas here, all of which i think may be true:
1. you make all this up. i say this because no one's love life is as happenstancial and slutty as yours, not even the hottest whore in manhattan's.
2. bobby and/or austin are from the past, and you are just now writing about them.
3. it is all true and present, which would quite possibly make you the biggest psycho-whorish-incapable of actual love-bitch ever. i mean, who actually is shitty enough to hook up with both sides of a couple. you should get checked for stds.

[ethan gray]

happenstancial? Are you kidding? Is that even a word? No worries, here's one for you bud:
pre-ten-tious [pri-ten-shuhs]
–adjective
1. full of pretense or pretension.
2. characterized by assumption of dignity or importance.
3. making an exaggerated outward show; ostentatious.

[Toby]

Looks like Ray hit a nerve.

Rarely does one defend himself by claiming pretention. Perhaps that is the most pretentious thing of all!

[The Bitch]

okay sport, i guess making up a word (happenstancial) was pretentious, but it's all the rage in academia, and i figured you, as a "writer," would be sharp enough to get my intent. however, maybe i was shooting above your head. after all, your blog has gotten just about as dull and uncreative as carey's at the end of sex in the city. maybe that's why neither of you two have ever gotten to write for the times? vocabulary aside, you never addressed my assumptions...
so is any of it real?
sincerely,
ray
p.s. take tips from toby, he writes well
(note the alliteration. oops, teehee, silly me, that was SOOOOO pretentious, wasn't it?)