The Nightcap

It had been months since I saw him. Last time we spoke, he was going back to his boyfriend for the umpteenth time.

Then, out of the blue, a call.

"How are you?"

"I'm good. And you?"

"Good. Good. Work's great."

I don't ask anymore. I know the drill.

We meet where we always meet. A cozy little East Village pizzeria. Exposed brick, brown leather booths, soft lighting. A dive of a place that somehow always makes me feel comfortable. It has character. New York before the Giulianis and the Bloombergs.

We say hi, take our coats off, order food. It's become somewhat of a ritual. Big thin crust pizza with countless toppings, cold blond-amber beer and stories. I like his stories. They're peppered with soul. This time I hear about his folks, his sister, his childhood in South Australia. More beer, more talking. It's nice. He grew up on a farm, wonderful folks. Godparents who stopped speaking to him after he came out. I'm listening. Intently. Not because it's polite but because he's interesting.

This isn’t a date. It’s a dinner. It’s the most fun non-date dinner I’ve had in a long time.

At one point he gets up, goes to the jukebox. From my seat I watch him flip through an endless list of songs. A light coming from inside the box settles on his face. It flickers. Blue then red then green back to blue. A mesmerizing dance of colors that produces a smile on my lips. I catch myself then quickly erase it.

He sits down. Starts talking, then stops.

What's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"You look like you've seen a ghost."

“What are we doing?”

Smile on his face, gone.

“Seriously man, what are we doing? Are we friends? Are we more than friends? What are we?”

“We’re friends.”

“Really? Because this doesn’t feel very friendly.”

“No.”

I don’t know why I’m upset, why I’m here. Maybe it’s because I like his company. Maybe it’s cause deep down I know every time he calls me, meets with me, he’s cheating on Seth a little. And not just with anyone but with me, the ex.

“Do you have a crush on me? I ask. Are you angry with Seth? Is this your way of hurting him back?”

"I could ask you the same thing."

There's no going back now. The words come rushing out. A broken dam.

“Can we really be friends? With our history, our past? How does that work? The way it is now? We get together when Seth’s out of town. Is that what our ‘friendship’ will look like? A dirty little secret you have to hide from the man you’re supposed to be sharing your life with? And if this isn’t really about friendship, if this is in fact more than that, could we really have a relationship? Are you going to date your lover’s ex-lover? The man you cheated on him with. The man he’s cheated on with you? This is all so Maury Povich.”

He smiles.

“Besides, as beautiful as you are, as smart, as eloquent, how am I supposed to ignore the fact that you’ve not only cheated on your boyfriend, you did it with his ex. That’s got to be pretty high on the ‘Lowest Of the Low’ list.”

He looks down. I’ve said too much.

“Seriously man. What are we doing?”

No need to answer that.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m just trying to understand. This is a dangerous road we’re on. Thought it might be wise to stop, take a deep breath, talk.”

I want to get up, give him a kiss on his forehead like they do in the movies when they’re about to make a grand exit. I want to leave with my dignity still intact.

But I don’t.

“What’s wrong?”

“Huh?”

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“I do?”

We have another beer. Then go to a different bar for a nightcap because that’s what “friends” do. It’s dark, nothing but candlelight and red wine.

I look at him from across the table and wonder how it is that of all the men in the world, I find this one attractive, interesting. I must be one fucked up dude.

At the end of the night, I hop into a cab, go home. I probably won’t hear from him until the next time.

Maybe then I’ll finally say it. Out loud.

Comments

[rayrayj]

Bravo.

Seriously,when are you going to publish these wonderful, insightful essays in book form. I promise to buy multiple copies.

[kev]

Agonizing quandry, Ethan. From my limited perspective, the emotional investigation of the 'priors' (sounds so criminal, even though it is mainly just human) will always be just below the surface of your relationship.

Be on alert for paralysis by analysis during future ambigous dinners, but in the soft glow memory fueled by wine and candlelight, anything is possible.
-kev

[eric m.]

hey you-- be careful with yourself, you hear? I just went through this and got my heart broken so badly, I was counting the hours until 2007 so I could start with a fresh year. word to the wise! yours from L.A., Eric

[David]

You write well, I always enjoy reading. I'm in the midst of a similarly f!@ked up situation, and it's always good knowing I'm not the only one.

[redgalaxoid]

A few days ago I was talking to a friend of mine who was going through a very simlar situation. The only thing I told her was that it doesn't matter what you say to him, what you say to other people, or even what you tell yourself. Deep down, you know what you want to do...after all, human beings are great at lying to ourselves. take care, man.

[Kurb]

Is this really wise posting this here? As I recall, your guy's well aware of this blog and who you are. You might as well have said it out loud.

[Kaye]

I think that may be his intention after all. Sometimes you just feel so helpless and conflicted, you don't really know what to choose between what you want, and what you feel is right.

[Toby]

"A cozy little East Village pizzeria. Exposed brick, brown leather booths, soft lighting. A dive of a place."

Yeah, sounds like a real shit hole!

[adam]

You love the drama.

[anapestic]

You enjoy his company, and he enjoys your company. Why does there have to be any more to it than that?

I think most people would be ten times happier if they learned to see a good thing as a good thing rather than as something that's less than the best possible thing.

[Arthur]

Next time you might say it. But underneath that is the question of whether you are doing anything 'wrong'. I don't think you are. He's making the choices about his life and his relationships. It's complex because you have a shared history with Seth. Would you feel the same it his partner wasn't your ex? Would you tie yourself in the same self-analytical knots? It's the guy failing to be honest and monogamous, not you...

[goodgrief]

so much drama in the lbc...

[clark]

sounds like a pretty good oportunity to have the 3-some that all men dream of:
one where all three parties are attracted to each other and no one feels left out

no ?

[Deniz]

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a jerk. I’m just trying to understand. This is a dangerous road we’re on. Thought it might be wise to stop, take a deep breath, talk.”

Always the same thing. No one tries to understand things in an attitude like this. This words are said after you realize what's going on. Not in a try to realize it. So you should think on the words. He's trying to hide "what's going on" and you're too. If you want it to stop, or to change into something-something further than friendship maybe- you should be able to say it. Not to say something "about" it.
This is my humble opinion, I've experienced enough of this "I'm trying to understand why" thing. I'm sick of saying these words, hearing these words..

[Alan]

I love this post. Great stuff. Thank you for sharing such personal stuff.

[ryan]

hm, absorbing as usual (in a very depressing way). I wonder though, why do you get yourself into these situations? If there's any truth in these snippets, if you're really as distressed as you say or imply - why not avoid this guy entirely? It seems like the most reasonable thing to do. I suppose there's the matter of history. I agree with Deniz on a broad level, that being repeated situations like this make for A) fun stories(which eventually become repetitive) and B) therapy.

[G Cracker]

Oh, how I have missed reading your writing Ethan!
I've had moments like that. You just imagine the words, you could even say them. They're certainly there. But you just can't quite get them out of your mouth.
Maybe next time.
And you capture that so well! I know you get this a lot, but seriously you should consider publishing at least some of these stories. They're amazing.

[JR]

Ethan, this was amazing. You could've been me. Or I guess I could've been you. Either way, this story hit very close. Made me both happy and sad. Good writing does that I guess.

[zeph]

Why say a word? You enjoy being with him. That's priceless. Keep it.

[Carl M.]

I came across your site oddly enough looking for pictures of the host from "While You Were Out" cause I have a crush on him. I started reading your blogs and was deeply moved by your stories. I am glad you live in my city as well, makes us all feel less singular. At a place where there are so many people, sometimes we end up feeling we're the only ones with those problems, and here you are writing something I have been experiencing, as well as so many others. Thanks. Be well.

[DonPato]

Shades of Gray is one of the best blogs in the would but then you already know that!

Wonderful photos and more wonderful storys.

thanks for a first class blog

DonPato
GayMexicoNetwork

[Tim in SF]

If you simply gave up the illusion that monogamy is the ideal (or even all that possible) for us gay guys in this day and age, I think you would be a hell of a lot happier.

Go talk to a gay couple who've been together for ten years or more. Ask them about monogamy.

[Axel]

Why so cynical DonPato? Monogamy is not and need not be an illusion for “us gay guys”.
I’ve been living happily and monogamously with my guy for nearly 15 years and, if anything, our relationship has grown stronger and more fulfilling with the passing years even though we have both evolved and developed from the persons and characters we were when we first met. Even sex is still superb – OK, not as tempestuous and frequent as during our early trysts but very intense and unifying.
The five years of fooling around before we met was just a succession of anonymous cocks and self-gratification and I wouldn’t risk what I enjoy now for that.

[Adnan Ahmed MD]

In light of the most recent event in your life (on record), I'll the comments I wanted to write about this. I hope you are doing Ok.

[eric]

Hello

I love your blog.

Can I add a link to your blog on my blog?
Which title and url do you want me to add?

www.restoringLove.com

May be you will also like my blog, and that you will
want to support the cause the blog supports:"restoring
Love". You can also add a link in your blog.

www.restoringLove.com

Do not hesitate to give me your opinion and feedback,

:)

Kisses and Hughs

Erik