Triggers

It's never quite over is it? Like over-over. After all the sadness, the anger and the healing, after it's said and done, it can all come back in an instant. Set off by a trigger with the unrelenting power to roll back time. For some that trigger is an anniversary. For others, a song. For me it's always been his birthday.

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"You're Invited to Seth's Big 30th Birthday Bash," reads the e-mail, three exclamation marks.

I know better than to open it, but I can't help it. An addict falling off the wagon.

I hate myself for being so weak, but mostly I resent him for opening that door again. His birthday was three weeks ago, and surprisingly this year it came and went without a hitch. I thought I was done.

My eyes follow the words on the screen.

Pool party. Swanky hotel. Midtown.

Before I get to the time and date, I come back to my senses, hit delete.

I've learned my lesson a long time ago. Tried the whole "let's be friends" thing back when the wounds were still fresh, but quickly realized I couldn't. Too much anger. It wasn't anything he did in particular that got me so mad. Just a simple resentment towards a man who was able to make the transition from lover to friend with such ease.

And so one day I stopped talking to him. No phone calls, no dinners, no nothing.

I thought it would be hard, I thought I'd miss him too much. But instead I felt happier, healthier. Then I discovered a direct correlation: the less I knew about him, the better I felt. And so I made a conscious effort to not know. Seth was angry at first. Confused by my silence. But for the first time it didn't matter.

Years have gone by and still I choose not to know. Figure there's no need to wake that sleeping dog.

Then an e-mail. One small gesture, and the anger which seemed to have almost disappeared is now finding its way back from the dead, like a serial killer in bad horror flick.

I tell myself as long as I don't know the date and time I can't obsess. But is it ever that simple?

"Are you going to Seth's birthday party?" Comes a text. It's from Zach.

"Wasn't planning on it, no."

"Yeah, didn't think you would. Pity. I was the one who suggested he invited you, thought we could finally spend some time together, cohort."

I cut the exchange short, before he blurts out the specifics and for the next few days try not to hear about it. But I know. It's only a matter of time.

On Friday I get another e-mail. This time there's no escape.

"Last reminder: Seth's 30th Birthday Party TONIGHT."

No need to open. It's right there in the subject matter.

And then it starts. A rush of thoughts and flashbacks and feelings and moments. Seth at 23, Seth at 24. Birthdays I've celebrated with him, those I did not. I make plans to meet friends. Anything to get my mind off the party. Soho House, drinks, a cute boy's smile. But then my mind drifts, stubborn interruptions of bathing suits, Seth's face, his boyfriend's tight body. I try to focus. But all I can think of is the unthinkable. I need something momentous to happen, I need this to be anything but the day I couldn't go to Seth's 30th birthday party. But I realize it's a lost cause.

I'm bored and I'm tired and now, slightly drunk. I finally glance at the exit sign, put down my umpteenth vodka tonic, head towards the coat check.

"Hey what's your name?"

I look up. Blue eyes, buzzed hair, nice smile.

"Ethan."

"Hey Ethan, I'm JT."

"Hey."

"Where are are you from?"

"I live in Chelsea."

Awkward pause. I realize he's waiting for me to reciprocate. I just want my coat.

"And you?" I finally ask back.

"I'm stationed in Honolulu."

He smiles. The set up, it worked.

"Stationed? As in the military?"

"Yep." he says with a smirk on his face. He knows he's got my attention.

"I'm being shipped to Iraq in three weeks."

Smile. Dimples. Deal, sealed.

"And how many times have you used that line tonight?"

"You're the first. Is it working?"

"If I say no, that would make me quite unpatriotic."

"And callous."

"Callous? That's a big word for a soldier."

"Marine."

"Stop."

"Too much?"

"You had me at Honolulu."

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A bright ray of sun coming in from the window wakes me up. My head's pounding, my mouth's dry. I open my eyes slowly trying to reduce the light's unforgiving effect on my pupils. I scan the room. A hotel. Flat screen TV, an empty bottle of Veuve Clicquot, my clothes scattered like breadcrumbs all the way from the door to the bed. I peel the blanket off my chest slowly, a prisoner making his escape. That's when I notice his arm around my waist, his legs intertwined with mine. We're cuddling.

"Good morning," he says.

"What time is it?"

"Almost 11:00"

"Shit. I have plans to meet someone for brunch at noon," I lie. That line flies out of my mouth almost too quickly. It's convincing. I remind myself to call my therapist the moment I make more money.

"Sorry, I gotta run."

"Do I get your number?"

"Sure," I say as I fish my clothes up from his floor. "Got a pen?"

He pulls out a color Blackberry, new, shiny, bells, whistles. It's the Cadillac of hand-held devices.

"They give that to all soldiers?" I joke. "I'm in the wrong business."

"I'm a doctor. Do you have to go so soon?"

"Yes," I say. "Before I find out you're Jewish and single."

I leave his hotel room, look at the date on my watch. Smile. I made it through the night. No more anxious feelings. At least not for another year.

And then a thought. A happy one. Last night wasn't the night of Seth's birthday party. 'Twas the night I entertained the troops.

Comments

[rayray]

I love your stories/essays. This is one of the best. Thanks.

[Mike]

Great Story! You're an awesome writer.

[darby]

Ethan...Your blog is the first forign one I've ever seen. Like FIRST LOVE, it's so precious to me. And to be honest, I love your story with Seth...sigh.

[stevie]

you should have just asked me to escort you... we could arrive in high fashion look better than everyone else and made him remember the mistake he made by letting it all end all those years ago.

oh yeah... you still havent agreed to meet me!

the perfect plan foiled...coffee?

-stevie

[Timmy]

"You had me at Honolulu."
Love it. Ethan, you're like inspiration on a stick. (no pun intended) lol. You are so worth the wait, I love reading your blog. take care.

[kev]

Thank you Ethan!! Your amazing talent oozes from every typestroke (pen stroke would be anachronistic these days, eh?).

I LOVE your ending sentence...to serve (or service?) the Marine-for-one-night doctor is the only honorable thing you could've done.

And I do hope you fall lustfully, completely, and whole-heartedly in love with someone so that when you hear of Seth unexpectedly, you will smile, but quickly return to the man in your arms.

[murraynz]

One of the best. I love your writing.

Put it in book form already.

[Jake]

Ethan,

Always a delight. Ditto to all that's already been said and more.

You write like I want to write. Clean and effortless.

Something to shoot for.

All the best.
-J

[Jim Baldwin]

There aren't doctors in the Marines.

Army, Air Force, Navy, yes, Marines, no.

Nice story as usual though.

[kurb]

Ethan.

Wrote an entry in my blog which involves your writing in general and the consequences of some of it on my own life. I'm going through a hard time right now. You may well have affected my life in a more profound way than either you or I yet realize.

Direct link to the entry is:
http://kurblick.blogspot.com/2007/03/different-universe.html#links

[Bernardo M.]

Ethan,

First of all, I want to make clear I have read all your entries and followed your blog closely for about one year and a half. Having said that, I would like to ask you to revisit your old writings. It will make a very fruitful exercise and hopefully guide back to those splendid posts that got me hooked to your blog.

It seems to me you have lost your way in writing this past year. Your posts no longer show 'you' as whole, as person. Unfortunately they have become unidimensional.

All the best,
Bernardo M.

[j]

that was a very good story. im getting over a recent breakup and i can relate so much with what you say. i ask myself everyday, when will it go away, that pain of missing him, even though i know its best not to be with him. i think youre right, when you say its easier not knowing much about him. thanks

[DonPato]

30? damn. Smile and don’t be blue. I love this blog it’s the best and that must mean “your” the best right!
Separate from the world and create your own plane of pleasure and fun.

DonPato
GayMoscow

[Jamie]

Wow, Ethan. I can relate all too well. For me, it's a song that brings it all back. 'Melissa' by the Allman Brothers. The irony in reading your post?? His name was JT.
;-)
Do you ever hit Hell's Kitchen? I'dlove to shake your hand some day! Take care!

[adam]

god that was so cute.

[MartinMtz]

Ethan Ethan Ethan, what can I say? Great work. I always look forward to reading your blogs. When I was at work I used to read your blogs on my Sidekick2 cuz at times things would get really slow and I'd start thinking about my life and getting depressed. Squinting didnt help, so I went to my nearest Barnes & Noble n purchased a journal. I print your blogs onto it in script form and carry it with me everywhere I go. Like my own personal book of reflections, surprisingly Reflections was burnt onto the leather journal book.
Keep them coming, my journal has way too many blank pages. No one elses work is worthy of being placed in that book!
Hope to meet/chat/txt you some day.
Martin Martinez
[email protected]

[Rick]

I love reading your blog, dude. It's like curling up with a great book of short stories... warm blanket, cold night.

[Chad Hunt]

It's been a long while Ethan, but I'm glad to be back. I missed your handsome face and that just so adoreable and innocent smile of yours. You are truly one of the few people I think I can relate to on higher levels. Some people in life just have that effect on you. It took me moving clear across the country to forget mine. All of NYC was a trigger for me. I finally have the strength not to answer his texts or call him to see if he needs anything. I finally feel I can love someone else again and just maybe let them love me. I hope someday soon you will to. I know just what a great person you are and sometimes still wish "The Color Purple" wasn't the only moment we had.

[angy]

The best line had to be the final one: "'Twas the night I entertained the troops". You have no idea how hard that made me laugh. Good for you! Keep up the amazing writing.

[DonPato]

oh my god birthdays 30 can be very devistating to many. Post a guard..

DonPato
GayMexicoNetwork

[lonertxhou]

Your stories are an inspiration to many of us. Take care and keep up the good fight!

[Adnan Ahmed MD]

That was one of the most interesting hook-ups / way to get past an awkward moment i have read as yet.

[DonPato]

Pain is life. The flood of mental pain is what makes one human. Crying and shaking is the soul of mans inner slef and is what makes us great not weak.

DonPato
GayTijuana

[Brian Finch]

Yes, triggers. I find parties to be the worst. I'm not sure what your poison was, meth for me.

Great response to the Iraq line.

[Ángel Manuel]

ok... can at last someone put me in the cultural context... I never understand what gay have with jewish, like in "All over the guy" when Ely's mother ask him if the guy who is with him is jewish, don't understood the line... if someone wants to take out of the ignorance please write me to [email protected]