Boomerangs

When he was barely 11, Josh Genova wrote an unsigned love letter to a boy he was nuts over, tied it to a balloon and released it into the universe. It was a silly thing to do, he knew that. Still, it felt good, cleansing. Like a Sunday morning confession.

It was his adolescent way of expressing his feelings without the fear of anyone finding out. But a day later the balloon descended straight into the hands of the boy he liked, the wind carrying his love note to its intended (or more precisely unintended) recipient.

To this day Josh (now 50) believes that if you really want a message delivered, if you try hard enough, somehow it'll find a way. Reach its destination.

Last week, another message getting through. Mine. This time with messy consequences. Lipstick, everywhere.

"Ethan?"

"Hey man what's up?"

"Other than my relationship being over, not much."

"What happened?" I ask, expecting another story about how they're not communicating anymore.

"He found your blog."

"Oh."

I must have apologized a hundred times. Never intended for that to happen. The few friends who heard the story would always ask me, "Don't you want Seth to know?" My answer, an emphatic no. What for? I know it happened, Zach knows it happened. Anything else would just be cruel.

I call Josh, who immediately recounts his balloon anecdote. He knows. I know. A message like that always gets delivered.

"I have to say, didn't think you had it in you. It's almost Machiavellian. Talk about getting even."

"Stop. You make it sound like I planned it."

"No, but you wrote it, then posted it. I mean what did you think was going to happen?"

"It's not a New York Times best-seller. It's a stupid blog. What are the odds?"

"Apparently quite good. How's Zach doing?"

"I'm sure he's freaking out."

"Is he mad at you?"

"No, not really. Handled it quite well I suppose. I would have lost it."

I look up, the sun is shining strong. I'm away on vacation. Palm Springs. Grateful to be far from New York in more ways than one.

"So does this mean Zach's read all of your posts about him?"

"Well if he hasn't, I'm sure he's reading them now. Seth sent him a an e-mail with links to all the stories."

"Oh my God."

It's not until Josh says those words that it finally sinks in. Seth has read them too. Each and every one of them. I try to recall what I wrote, but some of those entries are more than two years old. I know it couldn't have been easy. I know there are parts that must have hurt. I feel horrible. I can imagine how he must feel.

I can imagine because unintentionally, he had done the same to me. I close my eyes, and for a second I go back in time. Six years back. Just months after we split, Seth called asking for help finding his keys. He thought he may have left them at his desk. I remember opening one of his drawers looking for them but instead stumbling upon a stack of printed e-mails, as thick as a novel. Shouldn't have looked, but I did.

Hundreds of electronic love letters eternalized in paper. One on top of another. All sent to one boy. A boy named Zach. I looked at the first one. Sweet declarations of love. New love. One line stood out in particular.

"The last few weeks have been magical," he wrote. He'd never felt like that with anyone. Then that moment. My eyes, one big blur. The date. Way before we called it quits. My hands start shaking, warm wet tracks down my face. I try not to cry, but the tears, they won't stop coming. I read a couple of more e-mails, then quietly put the pile down as I found it. My questions answered.

Never told him about that day. Never mentioned that I knew. There was no need. At that point we had already been apart a long time. It took a while before that final dust settled, and more than a year before he no longer occupied every cell in mind.

Now it's he who is reading my letters. I feel bad for him, the pain he must have felt going through my thoughts. There's guilt and shame a touch of regret. But along with all the appropriate reactions, one that catcthes me by surprise. A smile.

Maybe it's the natural response of a vindicated person. Maybe I'm nowhere as evolved as I like to think I am. Or maybe, just maybe, it's the way of the world. Another message sent. Another boomerang returned.

Comments

[Mike]

Ethan,

You are wonderful writer. You need to write a screen play about your ongoing life. It is fasinating. When I see a new post, it's just like another chapter in a good book. I can't wait to read the fallout and aftermath of this ongoing saga.

[Greg]

Ditto. It's always a treat to see another post from you. Always perfect.

[angy]

Wow Eathan... Amazing post as usual, but who would have thought that such an innocent post would have stirred up such things? We all assume we are anonymous online, but this is quite... indescribably ironic.

[kev]

I love pace of story-telling..."Way before we called it quits" lingers in my mind...that you both tried, but the damage was done.

The law of karma always applies, we all just need not to give it time constraints.

You rock, Ethan!

[Chad]

Great story, Ethan. I'm completely captivated by your blog...and look forward to every update.

[murraynz]

I think I'd probably fall to bits if I read your posts and were actually a character in the story.

As an innocent bystander though, the read is always appreciated.

[jeremy]

I have to second the karmic cycle, you never know when the boomerang is going to come back around.

It is always mindful to remember the law of return dictates that what we send out into the universe always comes back 10 fold in the direction that it was sent.

I also really enjoy your writing. It is beautiful and haunting. You capture emotions that when I read them are cathartic, because I can identify.

Thanks
Jeremy

[fabio]

Glad you finally wrote about it and wonderfully, again. It was meant to be, I guess... let's hear about when he calls you etc.

[stevie]

i suppose i could stoke your cock (ego)and, like everyone else, say 'oh ethan, you are such a swell writer'...

but i dont fawn quite so easily.

in october i posted:

i imagined something like this:

guy he is dating: blah blah blah

BFBF: ::rolls eyes:: never mind

guy he is dating: i am all lame and trying too hard. i know i suck

BFBF: ugh, you suck. you stay here while i go call my other boy friend! he will know what i should do.

anyway. we talked thru his problem and then had one of our funniest conversations i can recall. in the middle of which:

me: just dump him, come home and marry me.

ya know, i think i am gonna have to do just that.

me: (screaming) WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO! finally the master plan has come full circle and i have ruined you for all other men.

i quickly changed the subject before he could change his mind (and reminded him sunday that he agreed to marry me).

and yesterday i met the 'guy he is dating' who read the post ages ago and has been festering about it ever since.

i really feel for ya, i know it isnt easy to sit in the middle with that pit in your stomach feeling some sense of sick satisfaction and an overwhelming sense of guilt and dread.

try to remember u didnt do any of this alone and it is all fairly insignificant in the long run.

best
-steve
http://chaos.typepad.com

[Sam]

This is not the inevitable "way of the world." I'm going to have to go with the "evolution" (or lack thereof) option.

[T]

maybe you're just human?

[max]

ethan, dear ... i just stumbled across your blog and read your "zach" story ... it's fantastic - and so human. i've done the same and don't regret it. it was out of sheer will of survival. your writing is exceptionally fine, try to publish some stories ... this story! i've added you to my favs. - a great big thank you! :o)
max

[arelente2]

well, I did the same once and it did a head-double-size effect, but I did not regret it, I think he has the right to know and it made me conclude more that he's actually worthless the time and effort

[Brechi]

Yes, those boomerangs...

[olander]

hey there, you have a wonderful story. too bad you post once in the blue moon!

[Roy]

WOW....I really don't know what to say here, except I have been there. A few times the words that I had put in my blog had come back to haunt me, but in a way I was glad to have those words out there for that person to marinate in and really think about. It was my way of telling them with out really having to say it myself, and the original intention was not for him to read it....SO weird for people are brought to read our blogs...

[Paul]

Whoa. Guess blogs have become far more important than we imagined.

[adam]

you's a drama queen.

[PaulS]

Ethan, I love your work. Your life is so rich you have so much to share. Keep it up, bud. I can only try to nail my style like you do yours.

[darby]

so heartbreaking...

[Freelance Cynic]

It's amazing how those thoughts we send out into the world grow teeth and come back to bite us.

[jason]

when are you going to post again? two months is two long.

[Luka]

See what happens when you abandon your blog? Some whack job takes it over. Thanks for all the interesting and thought-provoking stories, Ethan. See ya

[Eric]

Hey, I added you to my blogroll. Could you take a look and see if my site is worthy to be on your roll? :-)

[Jeff]

Glad I 'rediscovered' your blog again. I hadn't been reading as I thought you stopped posting. Riveting, as before.

Thanks.