miss me?

should have never stopped. should have been more appreciative. turns out you don't own your talent. it's more of a renter. you're lucky if you get a two-year lease. i was fortunate to tap into it for as long as i did. like a surfer riding a really good wave. now i'm desperately searching for the next big tide. no wind in sight.

used to be a pretty good writer. had a popular blog with thousands of readers. beautiful short stories about love that came with little or no effort. then, just like that they stopped showing up. i'd sit in front of the computer and stare at an empty screen. for a long time i searched for that elusive magic. nothing but utter darkness. until one day i stopped trying. writers call it a block. it felt more like an abandonment. poof. maybe my muse got bored, moved on to someone hotter, more interesting. well, i'm determined to woo him back (what? i'm gay. my muse has a penis). i've been meditating (if you knew me you'd realize how huge that is, all that light within bullshit makes me want to hurl). but alas, i've reached the point of desperation. no pride, no shame. like a man trying to win back an ex-boyfriend, groveling is my starting point. a friend told me, "just write. don't think. don't look back. let your thoughts hit the page." and so that's what i'm doing. typing away without a care in the world. and so to you, my apologies. you get to read my raw, unedited unpolished thoughts. no fixing, no cleaning up, no trying to be clever. I'm taking off my literary makeup. i warn you, it ain't pretty, but it is real. nice to meet you. i'm ethan by the way. who the fuck are you?

Comments

[S.]

who the fuck am I? I'm a reader.

[Gary E]

I've kept Shades of Gray in my reader ever since you 'left'. It was nice to see it light up again. Welcome back. I'm looking forward to your 'raw'ness! -gary - permanently on-the-road

[eric in l.a.]

welcome (the fuck) back, Ethan... even raw and unedited and uncapitalized and everything, it's really nice to see the stirrings of life here.

as a wise person once said, "many of the 'rules' for good writing and good sex are the same: Keep your hand moving, lose control, and don't think."

looking forward to more good sex, er, good writing from you. ;-)

[Johnny]

Ethan, welcome back to the world of words. We've missed you.

And I completely agree with this line you wrote:
"just write. don't think. don't look back. let your thoughts hit the page"

[Michael S.]

You've planted yourself in my brain, you bastard. It feels so nice to have you back, even if only for a while.

The guy was right, Just don't think, dance your ass off.
-michael

[Calvin]

Finally :)

[Curious]

welcome back, biatch!

[Digg]

Wicked!
Welcome back :)

[Yj]

ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh finally!!!

i am YJ the Manila Bitch.... yaiy

[Greg]

It seems I'm not alone in having kept your blog in my sights despite you not having posted an entry in two and a half years. THAT'S how good a writer you are, Ethan, so I'm delighted to see you writing again. From my own modest efforts, I know the truth of what your friend told you - start writing and sometimes that precious insight, that epiphany, that twist will come, even when you didn't think it was there. I look forward to reading your stories again. Welcome back! x

[Craig]

I didn't realise it had beeen so long.

But however long it's been I often ask myself

What makes you happy?

A question you asked in a story from so long ago which started:

We spend a lifetime putting up walls. With every tremor, every earthquake, they grow taller, more impenetrable.

Experience teaches us to be careful of people and Trojan horses.

With time we come to depend on these walls, rely on their protection. Until one day a boy walks by, touches the stone. The walls come tumbling down.

"So what makes you happy?"

[Glenn]

I'm Glenn...the one you inspired to create his own blog. Welcome back!!

[Tony Gibson]

Well, hell yeah - bring on the raw!
(the eyeliner didn't really suit you anyway ;)

Tony

[Icharus Squared]

pretty awesome to see this light up the 'cold feeds' folder this morning. welcome back. from the looks of the comments above i'm not the only one that found you too compelling to delete despite the absence.

that's probably because more than any blog i've read, it felt authentic and like you were writing for the joy of it, rather than for an audience.

just let it flow man. you don't owe anything to anyone but yourself.

[PJ]

Yeah, me, PJ, from London, poking you so you'd know I was here :)

[Logan]

Like one of the other commenters, I kept your blog in my reader on the off chance that you'd return. So glad to see you're back. No expectations, just curious to see where this new journey will take you (and us).

[Kevin]

Everything else was ignored when I saw it was you again. I felt that a lover I had missed for years had texted me again. Be happy and welcome back into my life.
Kevin

[Jim]

..well, there you are! Like any good supermodel will tell you...make up is over rated and no one ever gets to see you with too much lipstick and false eyelashes.
Raw is good...you can become a cyper-vegan.
I left your link on my website...I knew you'd be back.
Welcome home..now ramble please...I want to hear your musings about a life sans foundation.
Jim-SFMH

[Donn]

some relationships need a break... but if what made it special or made it work... was real... it all comes back as if it was never gone.

[rayray]

I've been waiting for you to come back. So happy you did.

[MsK]

I have been hoping you'd write again, reread all your stories every now and then. You're really good. Welcome back.

[Kris]

welcome back! enjoy rereading your stories every so often.

[Juanma]

Who the fuck am I?
I'm just a chilean guy who wait for you to come back, who did't erase your blog from my favorites, and who finally has the joy to read you again...
Thanks from the deepest part of my soul.

PS. and by the way, I'm Juanma.

[Lee]

I'm Lee. Glad you're back.

[Chris.D.]

Hey Ethan, I just got addicted to your blog. I read through it in 2 days and within these 2 days, i explored 5 years of your lifetime. It's just magical. It's my 1st time ever to fall in love with words. I will be reading your blog. See you in the future.